


Even anti

by Alexicuss



Category: jacksepticeye
Genre: Anti is sad boy, Depressed anti, M/M, anti was forgiven, chase is cute and nice, don't know how to tag, first fic on here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-03-06 09:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18847903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexicuss/pseuds/Alexicuss
Summary: Anti is depressed and Chase catches him harming himself so Chase is good friend





	1. Even Anti

**NOTE: As the title states, there will be some heavy/triggering topics involving self-harm in this story. If it makes you uncomfortable by any means you do not have to read it. Also this was originally an x reader that I changed so I’ve there’s any mistakes tell**   **me** **\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

   "Ugh...why are one of these bulbs not lit up?" Jackie pouted slightly as he stood up on the step ladder, staring down at the bundle of Christmas lights in his hands.

  "These are brand new, aren't they?"

   "It's fine, Jackie. One broken bulb is better zhan having all of zhem broken," Henrik huffed from his spot over by the coffee table, drinking some hot chocolate and flicking through the T.V channels until he settled on one that had a fireplace with jazzy Christmas music playing softly in the background.

   "I know but...it just bothers me a little...."

   "Hang on, hang on." Marvin got up from the sofa and walked over to where Jackie was.

   "Let me see the broken one." The man in the red hoodie nodded as he stepped down, showing him the dim bulb. After some close examination, the magician smiled and snapped his fingers, the tip of his index one glowing with magic. He then tapped the bulb, causing it to light up a bright green in an instant.

   "Problem solved~" Jackie grinned in delight.

   "Thanks! You mind helping me put this up?"

   "Sure thing." Meanwhile, Sean and I simply watched the scene, before we both returned to the presents we were wrapping up.

   "It's nice to have extra help this year," the Irishman remarked as he finished sticking a silver bow on the small box. I nodded in agreement.

   "Yeah. I'm really glad I came to Brighton to celebrate Christmas with you guys." **(Chase is in AA rehab or something I don't know)**

   "I'm glad you did, too, Chase ," Sean smiled at me. "Everyone misses you."

   I blink my blue eyes with surprise. "Even Anti?"

   "Yep, even Ant..." He suddenly trailed off as he mentioned the name, his face now boring a blank expression. "Hmm..speakin' of which..I..haven't seen him for a couple hours.."

   "Now that you mentioned it, I haven't either," I muttered, before I  turned back to see the rest of the egos chatting in the living room area. "Hey..have any of ya'll seen Anti recently?" The room became filled with silence as everyone exchanged glances, before looking back at me and either shrugging or shaking their heads "no".

   I knew Anti wasn't a huge fan of all the bright lights and Christmas cheer and whatnot, but I would have thought he'd at least come to greet me when I arrived earlier today.

    "Well..I'll go see where he is." I finally decided, standing up and pushing my chair in. Sean nodded in understanding, allowing me  to go.

   And with that, I set off towards the demon's room, the chattering, music, and laughter of the others resuming, although the cheerful sounds gradually faded as i ventured further down the hallway. But while i did, there was a thought that crossed my mind: Anti had been fairly...distant for the past few months for some reason.

   Sean had told me that was just him being his antisocial-self, however you were still concerned. Me and him got along surprisingly well..so I wondered what exactly happened. I snapped out of your thoughts when I found myself standing in front of his door, noticing that it was open slightly. Taking a deep breath, I gently pushed it open and stepped inside.

   "Hey-?"

    "..and another one for thinkin' I could ever be fuckin' happy.." For a moment I froze up, eyes wide and my hand covering my  mouth as I  saw Anti sitting on his bed, and in his hands was a small, bloodstained carving knife.

   'Oh my fucking God..' I thought as I watched in horror as he dragged the blade quickly across his arm, leaving a deep, crimson line in his skin. He didn't even flinch as the blood began to stream out of the cut, dripping down his tattoo. A tiny smile appeared on his face, but as he stared at his bloody arm, it soon dissolved into a frown.

   With a seemingly frustrated growl, he flicked the knife across the room, hitting the wall and splattering drops of blood on it. The demon sighed shakily, curling up into a ball and grabbing fist-fulls of his hair, rocking back and forth slightly. Seeing that he no longer had a weapon on him, I quickly snapped out of my shocked state, figuring now would be the best time to confront him about...what he just did to himself.

   "A-Anti?" He gasped, glitching out slightly as he looked over and saw me, clearly not expecting me to be standing right there in his doorway. But before he could say or do anything, I closed the door behind Me and flipped the lightswitch on.

   When I glanced back at him, my heart dropped into my stomach when I saw cuts of various lengths littering his arms, with some being scabs while others looked freshly new. The lump in my throat prevented me from speaking at all, although I slowly approached him, afraid that he would glitch away if I said something or moved too quickly.

   As I neared his bed, that's when I saw a crinkled piece of paper next to him. Anti continued to stare at me like a deer in headlights, but when he realized what I was trying to do, he tried to swipe it away. He reacted too slowly, though, as I  had already snatched it up to read it.  

   There were dried splatters of blood and some dark splotches of what looked like tears staining it, as well as words that were illegibly scrawled all over it. They were difficult to read, but I could make out at least four of them clear as day:

**WORTHLESS**

**UNFORGIVABLE**

**BURDEN**

**WEAK**

My hands trembled slightly after I finished reading the paper, before I glanced at Anti, finding my voice once again.

   "A-Anti. What is this?"

   "Th...That's..nothin, Chase," he lied, biting his lower lip as he looked away. "Just some..dumb-"

   "That's horseshit and you know it." I spat angrily, ripping the paper to shreds. He flinched slightly, stunned at how furious I sounded, but said nothing as he watched me throw the pieces into the garbage bin.

   Then I  turned back to Anti, sighing softly as I  sat down beside him.  My gaze trailed down to his scars. With shaking hands, I gently took hold of his non-bleeding arm, lightly tracing My fingers near the thin red lines.

   All the while, he remained silent, merely watching me with angry, black eyes and waiting for me to say how disgusted I was with him. But then his eyes blinked back to blue when he saw me gently kiss the tiny, pink scar on his knuckle and the longer one on the back of his hand. He was speechless.

   In his mind he imagined at least ten other ways I could have possibly reacted to seeing him like this....but what I just did was none of them.

   Confused by my actions, he opened his mouth to say something when I quickly scooted closer and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. The demon tensed up, unsure of what to do now.

   "Anti...why?" Such a short and simple question shouldn't have broken Anti...but after everything you did just now--catching him in the act, ripping up the words of self-hatred he had written, kissing his scars, and hugging him instead of leaving, laughing, or insulting him like he expected me to--he just couldn't keep it in any longer.

   He had it all bottled up for far too long.

   His only reply was a heart-wrenching sob as he hugged  me back tightly. For once in his life he allowed himself to show vulnerability as he buried his face into my shoulder, refusing to let me see the streams of tears that were now running down his cheeks.

   He took in the warmth and the faint, but sweet, scents of cinnamon and peppermint that radiated from my Christmas sweater, which only made him melt further into the hug. And I  simply held him, letting him cry it all out as I rubbed his back soothingly, and whispered sweet nothings in his ear, almost feeling his spine through his thin shirt.

   Least to say I was surprised that he trusted me this much to be bawling like a child in my arms...but at the same time I were grateful he didn't shut me out like he did the others. After a minute or so, his sobs died down, being replaced with light sniffles. He then mumbled something inaudible.

   "What did you say?" I asked him."I didn't quite-"

   "I-I said... it's 'cause I deserve this.." Anti said, turning his head and resting the side of it against my now damp shoulder. "After all I did...a-after all the pain I put Jack a-and Henrik and everyone else through...I was the one who deserved it all along...not you... not them..me."

   When I ceased rubbing his back the moment he finished speaking, the demon was terrified that I were going to push him away from me and leave without a word. But then my embrace tightened.

   "Anti..why on earth would you think that?" My eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "I mean...I know the stuff you did was horrible but...we all forgave you for it months ago. And you seemed just fine with-"

   "W-Well...the truth is...I-I could n-never f-forgive myself." More warm tears fell from his eyes as he felt my fingertips gently stroke his hair, the simple gesture giving him both security and reassurance that I wasn't  going to leave him.

   "I...was tired of the guilt eatin' away at me every fuckin' day. So I started doin' this to distract myself from it. It hurts like a bitch....but...at least I know I'm hurtin' someone who deserves it..."

   As soon as he said that, it didn't take my mind too long to realize that...he's been doing this since August. Four solid months he's been doing this to himself and no one suspected a thing. I had no fucking idea how he could have hidden this for such a long period of time. After taking a few moments to think about what to say, I spoke once more.

   "If you've been having such a hard time forgiving yourself....you should have told me, Jack, or at least somebody. Hiding away in your room and cutting yourself isn't gonna make the guilt go away. It won't solve anything. It never, ever, does."

   "B-But...callin' out for help is weak..it's-"

   "It's not weak," I cut him off firmly. "Reaching out to people who care about you is never a sign of weakness. We wanna help you, we truly do..but you have to let us know if something's bothering you. You can't keep pretending everything's fine and then do this to yourself behind closed doors. Believe it or not..we're your family, Anti...and the last thing we wanna see is you tear yourself down like this."

   "....."

   “Look, it's okay to let your guard down. It's okay to talk to us. It's okay to admit that you still feel guilty. But don't you dare think you deserve these scars or any sort of punishment over something all of us have forgiven you for...because you don't. That scar on your neck is the only one you should ever have to worry about...not all of these tiny, insignificant ones. So please...no more of this, Anti, okay? Because it breaks my heart to see you in this much pain especially during a time like this."

   For a few moments, Anti remained quiet as he thought over the words. And then he raised his head up, his puffy, tired eyes looking into my kind, blue ones. I frowned slightly, cupping his hollow cheeks and seeing how incredibly dark the circles underneath his baby blues were.

   Considering how I almost felt his spine earlier, it made me wonder....

  "Sweetheart...have you been....starving yourself, too?" As if on cue, his stomach began to rumble with a rather loud growl, which made the demon whimper in pain.

   He sniffled and averted his gaze from mine, a tear rolling down his face as he wrapped his arms around his torso, trembling and glitching.

   "..'m sorry...I just..d-didn't know how t-to deal with it...I-I...I didn't think a-anyone would c-care this much.....I-I'm just a fuckin' pathetic, s-selfish, coward-"

   “Hey. Look at me." He tensed up at my tone of voice, but complied any way as he looked back up at me to see my softened gaze. "You aren't any of those things, Anti.." I wiped away the tear with my thumb. "..you didn't glitch away even though you had every opportunity to. Instead you stayed and opened up to me about this. And you aren't selfish...you were just scared..that's all. But it's gonna be okay now..we're here to help you if you ever need us. Just...please promise me that you'll stop doing all of this."

   Anti let out a shaky breath, but he nodded slowly as he hugged me once more.

   “I...I promise. Thank y-you, Chase.." I simply smiled and held him tight, waiting until he had calmed down a little and released me first. Once we both broke apart, he frowned at the blood and tears that stained my clothing.

   "H-Heh...what a fuckin' slob I am," he chuckled lightly, before sighing. "...s..sorry about that." I shrugged in response, slipping off the sweater.

   "It's fine. It'll wash out on its own." Once I  set it aside, I stood up and glanced over at him. "Now you stay here and I'll be b-"

   "N-No!" Anti suddenly reached out and grabbed my wrist tightly. "D-̵Do͟n't ͠le̸av̛e҉ m͡e.́..." His voice distorted as his eyes turned pitch black. But as frightening as he initially looked, I, instead, saw someone who was just so tired and so afraid of being alone. And it broke a piece of my heart, least to say, when I  heard the anguish in his warped tone.

   "I'm not gonna leave you, Anti," I reassured him, sitting back down and hugging him once more. "I'm just going to the kitchen for a second and I'll come right back here without saying anything to anyone. I promise."

   After some hesitation, he reluctantly nodded, trusting my words enough to allow me to leave. Once I quietly slipped out of his room and shut the door, he hugged his knees to his chest and stared up at the clock mounted on the wall, counting the seconds it took for me to return. Exactly 30 seconds had passed before he heard a knock on the door. "Anti?"

   “Come on in.." He sighed, sitting up and placing his feet back on the floor as he saw me come in with-

   Wait are those cookies??

   When I saw his eyes widen at the plate in my hand, I chuckled softly, remembering how sweets were his one weakness...just like Sean's. But I was also happy to see that sparkle in his eyes once again.

   "Are..those for me?" "Of course," I nodded, shutting the door behind me and sitting beside him, before I handed the plate of Christmas cookies to him.

   "We'll take care of your cuts after you get these in your stomach." However, Anti hesitated as he stared at the sweets, a tiny, nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that he didn't deserve them. But he then shook his head, sighing once more as he finally took them from you with a small smile appearing on his face.

   "Thanks.." He muttered, a light blush tinting his cheeks as he began to munch on the cookies. "Wow..these are good......holy shit......I'm never abandonin' sweets again."

   My smile only grew, and a comfortable silence filled the room as I decided to browse through Tumblr, waiting for him to finish up. After he was done, I led him into the bathroom to clean his cuts and bandage his arms.

   While I did that, he told me that he was willing to tell the others about his depression and the scars, although he was still worried about whether they'd forgive him for isolating himself from them for so long. But I promised Anti that they will, because even a demon like him could be worthy of forgiveness.

**Ok this took for-fucking-ever to change everything but worth it, Also should I continue this.**


	2. He’s already tried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Anti goes to tell the others Jackie gets angry

    “Alright everyone in the living room”, Jack yelled out to the rest of the house. Everyone filed in and sat down. “Ok family meeting”, Jack said to be group of egos. 

    They all sat down except Jack who was standing. Jackie was next to Marvin and Ginger on the couch. Shneep was sitting in a rocking chair next to the couch. Chase sat next to Anti on a smaller couch across from the rocking chair. Chase rubbing calming circles on Antis back, Anti meanwhile was taking slightly uneven breaths while trying to calm down. 

    “Vhy have you called zis family meeting Jack?”, Shneep asked politely.

    “Well Shneep-“

    “Dotcha”

    “Doctor Shneepilsten, Anti has something he would like to say”

    “It that he’s leaving”, Jackie cut in sourly.

    “No Jackie”, Jack said confused at Jackie’s sour tone, “Why would he be leaving?”

    “Well I mean he’s just a waste of space here anyway”

    “What Jackie where is this coming from?”

    “Ya know I should have said this along time ago, Anti is dangerous to all of us it would be better if he left”, Jackie failed to notice that Antis breathing was becoming more uneven and it started hitching, “Actually it would be better if he just died, that would make it sooo much easier, he should just kill himself-“

    “JACKIE ENOUGH”, Chase suddenly shouted.

“Can’t you see what’s happening.” He was referring to Anti, who was barely able to breath and had tears flooding down his cheeks. 

    “HE’S BARELY ABLE TO BREATH IT WAS HARD ENOUGH TO GET HIM DOWN HERE AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE”

    “No he’s right I am just a waste of space, Jackie you get your wish”, Anti said then ran out of the room tears still cascading down his face.

    “NO ANTI”, Chase yelled after him. “This is all your fault” he aimed at Jackie.

    “My fault it’s his fault for being this way, he should go commit suicide”, Jackie shoot back.

    “HE'S ALREADY TRIED”, Chase yelled.

    “What?”

    “Yesterday when I went upstairs I found his cutting his wrists”, Chase whispered angrily, “and now he might actually kill himself all thanks to you”. Chase ran out the door and up the stairs closely followed by Jack.

    When they got to the door they pushed it open. Chase ran in and saw Anti knife in hand three long cuts ran down his arm along with the other cuts that littered his wrists from the night before. 

     Chase ran over and ripped the knife out of his hand as Anti tried to get it back Jack took the knife and threw it across the room.

    Chase wrapped Anti in a tight embrace that Jack soon followed both hugging Anti trying to calm him down.  Eventually they calmed him enough to wrap his wrists with bandages after cleaning the cuts, then Jack went downstairs to tell the others what happened.


	3. BOLD and cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I feel shity and I’m writing so I don’t do something I regret so here have a fucking depressed chapter

**Fuck it I want to die right now so you guys get a fucking depressing as hell chapter here you fucking go**

 

Anti sat there knife in hand two cuts already made.

 

**Monster**

Cut

**Useless**

Cut

**Fuck up**

Cut

**Waste of space**

Cut

 

_ To whomever this may concern if you are reading this I am most likely dead by now but don’t cry for me remember me as a happy person a person that was helpful. Now please give theses to the respective person. _

 

_ Marvin  _

_ Even when I made fun of you or called you names you still worked at your magic and your really good at it. I know you will go far and become the best magician in the world because I love you and believe in you, good luck. _

_ From you I ask belief. _

_                            Anti _

 

_ JJ _

_ My baby bro I always loved you. I may have pushed you away or ignored you it was because I didn’t know what to do or why you wanted to be around me. You may not speak but for a long time you were the only voice that mattered to me. _

_ From you I ask love. _

_                     Anti _

 

_ Shneep _

_ You never let me die which used to annoy me but I’m glad you didn’t even though I’m gone now you need to know I respect you and admire your work you are truly the world greatest doctor and I love you for keeping me alive this long but let me rest. _

_ From you I ask peace. _

_ Anti _

 

_ Jackie _

_ I never meant to hurt you or the others but if I did I’m getting what I deserve, death you were right I should die. But I don’t hate you I love you, your my brother too and I never hold anything you said against you this isn’t your fault. _

_ From you I ask redemption. _

_                         Anti _

 

_ Jack _

_ I don’t know we’re to start so I’ll just say I am so unbelievably sorry for everything I have done to you and the others and even after everything I did you still stood up for me and helped me I’m sorry that I was so useless and horrible to you but as hard as it is to believe I love you. _

_ From you I ask forgiveness. _

_                            Anti _

 

_ Chase _

_ Thank you for trying so hard to help me I would have died at Christmas if you hadn’t coming when you did and I wasn’t going to leave a note then but I am and I’m sorry for being weak and for leaving but I just can’t take it just stay clean I know about the gun in your room and I want you to give it to Jack or one of the others I know you play Russian Roulette and I don’t want you dying the others need you. I love you Chase your an amazing person and I love you. _

_ From you I ask nothing. _

_                 Anti _

  
  


The note sat there next to Anti as he cut his arms and thighs blade running across his skin painfully. Pain running through his arms and legs.

 

**Nothing**

Cut

**Mistake**

Cut

**Burden**

**Cut**

**Fuck up**

**Cut**

**Üńįmpørtáñt**

**Çùt**

 

He did it he cut right along his vein watching the blood run down his arms. He ignored the bang coming from his door the tears cascading down his face the shouts from outside everything was going black when he saw Chase standing over him… he was saying something… it looked like Nani rack up… no... Aani rake up… no… Anti wake up… but I can’t… 

blackness.


	4. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

Ok I’ve been busy with a play and with moving so I’m so sorry that I haven’t updated so I will be hopefully updating soon


	5. Sorry

**Sorry I kinda forgot about this book but I am currently writing a new chapter**


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